Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!