Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.