Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
What even happened today?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.