I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
🤣
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.