You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
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Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
How to properly lift a body
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
i really liked this one
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days