This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam