A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.