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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Spider-cat: No One Home