People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
But that’s none of my business
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.