If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Liquor Store Parking
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.