What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
do horses think humans are hats
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.