The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
You Might Also Like
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone