WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”