My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.