One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.