I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
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BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
A customer told me they were never coming back….
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
g
a
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*