Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard