Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.