Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.