If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
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Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page