Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
This is me
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.