My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
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“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.