i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Banana is the quietest snack