Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.