I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Lmao the reply
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.