listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.