FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.