“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”