every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
why isn’t he texting back
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!