It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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ATMs should have breathalyzers
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The funk soul brother
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
True?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone