WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon