5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.