cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
You Might Also Like
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
bury ourselves
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.