I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I feel this so hard
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha