Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
You Might Also Like
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”