Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.