My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK