I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.