My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
not for long
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no