Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I would like even faster food.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I get distracted pretty eas
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?