Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.