Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
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*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
we’re dead?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Proctology is located in A55
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Matt Goss
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Seems kinda suspicious
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.