“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My dad is at it again
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then