Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
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[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened