Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
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Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy