”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera