*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
You Might Also Like
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos