I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.