Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
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50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
an airline just for babies.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”