Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.